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Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:24 pm

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I fell in love too quickly. That’s what Tory says. I’ve been with Isaac for one week and I care about him too much. I am too attached.

I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean it but I guess I fell in love with him in the corners of the moments we spend together. Time I didn’t pay much attention to because it exists on a different plane than regular time. I guess I fell in love with his cologne and his hands too. The parts of him most tangible to me even after he’s gone.

I can’t help it. I wish I could. But I love him like I’ve known him my entire life. It’s an empty effort to try to reverse it now. I just hope he doesn’t break my heart.

Because if he broke my heart I think I’d dissolve. Everything I am would dissolve and I’d suddenly be a mush, a mess, and nobody will be able to put me together. I don’t care if we don’t work out, if we break up, but I don’t want him to break my heart. I want him to put it in a glass case and remember to be careful with it. Even if he doesn’t want it. I want him to always be cordial enough to pretend like it’s not his fault that he doesn’t feel the same anymore… I want him to act like it’s nature’s fault, like it’s inevitable.

Tory sighs whenever she sees us together. She doesn’t believe in love. She doesn’t believe in love because she doesn’t believe in magic. She says magic is a waste of time, an obsolete concept. She only likes things she can calculate.

Love is magical because it comes in so many shapes and feels so many different ways. One day it’s silk, the next cheap cotton. One day it’s an all encompassing circle. The next a pointy cornered square.

Isaac always feels the same to me. But I didn’t tell her that because she wouldn’t believe me anyway.

She says she doesn’t trust him. She says that just by looking at him she can tell that it won’t work. So she doesn’t believe in magic but she believes in a sixth sense. I believe in both but Tory can’t pick and choose between the two. They come together.

Isaac always places the palms of his hands flat against my lower back. It stays there still as he smiles at me, “Anna, baby girl, how’s your day going?”

Love keeps on finding me. I don’t ask for it but it keeps flooding me in. I drown in love. I must be drowning because I can’t be swimming.

I’m gonna admit it. I’ll admit it. My sixth sense tells me something is wrong too. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m just apprehensive because I’ve never had a relationship work. Maybe I’m listening to Tory too much. But something just doesn’t feel right.

“Is something wrong?” Isaac asks me.

My face turns to neutral porcelain. “Do you love me?”

“Of course I do,” he says. No hesitation. “I knew I loved you from the first time we talked.”

Yes, the first time we talked. I invited him to FISH club. Not because I liked him. But because I try to invite everybody I can. Everybody should be able to read the Bible and fellowship.

I wasn’t in love with him then.

I was in love with him when he asked me out to late lunch afterwards. So he fell in love with me first?

“Of course I love you Anna. Who else?”

I guess that’s what I’m wondering.

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