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Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:43 am

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After the incident, I didn't know what to make of life, half of the time I couldn't even tell which way was up and which was down. My life was a wreck. I didn’t even come to grips on it until three weeks after the incident.

Even though I saw it with my own eyes, I expected him to walk through the front door saying, “Did I get you Tomi? I got you good didn’t i?” like he used to do when we were younger.

When we were younger he’d hide on me and wait until I got so nervous I was almost biting off my fingers before coming up behind me kissing my cheek and giggling.

I think his childish sense of humor is what I miss most about him. That and the fact he never really let anything get him down, he always knew how to turn a bad event into something good. I’ll never know what it feels like to be held by him again. I remember the last words he said to me before it happened. “I forgive you Tomi, I forgive you because I love you, but I cant ever forget the pain you’ve caused me.” We had been fighting for a week and a half, over something so stupid too.

If I could take it back, I would. But I cant. When I saw him lying on that hospital bed, looking so damn fragile, once I stepped in the room, he smiled. I sat by the bed and held his cold hand and looked into his almost lifeless eyes, “Tomi, I love you, I’m going to miss you,” the moment he said those words, I broke down, and even though I was there when the machine flat lined, I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t. My body wouldn’t let me.

I stayed in my room for a long time before I decided to leave, we did a memorial concert for him, those who called themselves fans were there, singing in memory of him, Jost tried to convince us to get a new singer but we refused, we’d fade as Tokio Hotel, the four boys from Germany, we’d fade as Devilish, we wouldn’t be Tokio Hotel without Bill, there was no way in hell anyone could take my little brothers place.

It’s been almost a year now, I’m sitting by his grave, old dead bouquets of flowers surrounded it, as well as old melted candles, there was no signs of fans, and it doesn’t look like anyone has been here in at least a month, could it be that those who once called themselves a fan gave up on Bill, they gave up loving him? Along with us? I laid down on top of the tombstone,

“Billa, I miss you so much, why’d you have to leave me? I can’t make this world on my own.”

I know it may seem stupid for a 23 year old boy to be crying on top of his twin brothers grave but, have you ever had a twin? Did you ever have someone who was perfect for you? If you have, then you’d understand. I wiped tears away only for new ones to flow out.

I looked up when I heard leaves crinkle under someone’s foot, I was shocked at what I saw, it was Bill, his long silky hair blew in the wind, his make-up so neatly done it was flawless, his pale skin had not one blemish, his beautiful birthmark under his lip was there, he was dressed in pure white, he looked like an angel, “Billa?”

“Hi Tomi,”

“But… the accident? I thought you were dead!” I rushed to him, I touched him, he was solid. I hugged him for the first time in a year, he hugged back,for the first time in a year, i was in my brothers embrace once again.

“I am dead Tomi, I’m an angel, can you believe it? I’m a beautiful angel, just like I always wanted to be!” Bill exclaimed, he seemed so happy and it warmed my heart.

“Billa, I miss you so much, I can’t do this on my own I need you.” I started sobbing in his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind, I felt something wet hit my head, I looked up and saw he was crying with a smile on his face,

“Tomi, don’t waste your tears on me, Tomi, you are the strongest person I know, I know you can make it on your own,”

“No, no I can’t Bill.”

“Tomi, I have to go but I promise, one day, you’ll be by my side again. One day soon I hope.” Bill said as he started to fade, he was still crying.

“Billa!”

“Yes Tomi?”

I kissed his fading lips and felt him kiss back, the old feeling of peace and security rushed through me. “I love you.”

He smiled, “I love you too Tomi,” he faded away, and it was like he was never there, if not for the tingling on my lips I’d think I’d dreamt it all. I walked back to his grave and kissed it gently.

“One day soon Bill, one day soon.” I walked off knowing that one day I’d see him again, one day, I’d hold him in my arms again. One day, we’ll live forever in eternity together, we’ll be angels together.

And a week later, it happened, I don’t know how, all I remember is an excruciating pain, I tried to look around but I couldn’t, my neck was broken, what used to be my car was now a scrap of metal, this is the same day Bill died, only a year later, I moved my hands and felt a cold piece of metal through my body, I knew this was the end. I looked up and saw Bill standing there, tears falling down his face; he once again looked flawless in the pure white outfit. I felt the pain go away and felt myself being lifted, suddenly; I was standing next to Bill in my own pure white outfit, “What happened?” I asked looking around. I saw my car and police as well as firemen surrounding it, so how did I get out?

“Tomi!” Bill hugged me, warmth flood my body, “I told you one day soon you’d be with me. I knew it; I just never thought it’d happen like that! I saw the whole thing! It was so scary!”

“Billa, what happened?” I asked confused.

“You got in a car crash, some guy sped into you, slamming you off the road, a metal rod went through the whole middle half of your body and your body was twisted, it was really scary,”

I looked at my dead body that the officers had managed to get out of the car and almost threw up at the sight; it was much more horrific than I thought. I took Bills hand and lead him away from the scene, “So what now?”

“Now, we live in eternity, we'll be together forever.” Bill kissed me and I kissed back. If this is how I got to spend eternity, I’m glad.

They held another memorial concert, Georg and Gustav were crying so bad they couldn’t play right, less people showed up but the people who showed up I knew never gave up on us.

A few months later Georg joined us, shortly after Gustav showed up, they said they couldn’t handle it anymore, losing both of us really took a toll on them, Georg died of an accidental overdose on pain killers and Gustav killed himself purposely. He joked saying he couldn’t handle another memorial concert but we knew it was because he couldn’t handle life without us, I was glad we were all together, now we could rock eternity, Tokio Hotel style.

And to think, this all started with a rumor, a fight, a phone call, and a car accident.

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